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JOKES

 

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

 

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

 

While the Amish boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the elevator and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Quick son, go get your mother!"

 

Extracts From Insurance Claims, & Accident Reports:

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

 

A Child’s Heart

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.  As the doctor looked into her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.  He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"  Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.  As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied.  "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

 

Hallelujah and Amen

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way. The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!" And the only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!" The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... 'Bible! Church! Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer...
"Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

Immediately, the donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.  Breathing a sigh of relief, the man said: "HALLELUJAH!"!

Bit of Humor...

  

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da-d….” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaad…..” “WHAT?” “I’m thirsty. Can I have a drink of water??” “No! Now, go to bed!” Five mintues later:  Daaa-aaaad….. I’m THRISTY!” “NO! Now, if you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later…… “Daaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

 

Boots

 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

  

Colors: 

I didn't know if my granddaughter has learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask her what color it was.  She would tell me and always she was correct.  But it was fun for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself."

 

   

 

Grandmother Calls Hospital